


Doctor=Funk Beat

by our_eternal_love_affair



Series: Miscellaneous Oneshots [1]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Human, Doctor Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Gen, Medical Experimentation, Not Smart Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Oneshot, Sadism, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24020332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/our_eternal_love_affair/pseuds/our_eternal_love_affair
Summary: The brilliant "doctor" Alastor has the cure to all of your worries!
Series: Miscellaneous Oneshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1733854
Kudos: 5





	Doctor=Funk Beat

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not very good at writing non-romantic things, I apologise; but I wanted to have a try anyways.

The smiling doctor opened the door to his hospital, which seemed to have been a hotel a long time ago. Anthony looked around this strange place and gulped, nodding.  
"Yes... Um... I heard of you. You can make people happy."  
The doctor's grin widened as he sat the young man down before opening his arms.  
"You wish for _HAPPINESS_? Allow me!" The smiling doctor boomed, gesturing to his practice. "Those still searching for the bluebird-" He gave a glance to a young woman who was sitting in front of a window, her golden hair shining in the sunset. "Come now. Those who just can't give up... They'll get their chance in the next life! And those who can actually see the bluebird..." The doctor's voice dropped almost an octave. "It's a little late for them. Euphoria! _From masochism in hallucinations_..." The last part was barely above a whisper.  


Anthony felt like he wanted to leave. He gave a nod and turned around, only to see that the door was closed. And locked.  
"Paranoia?" The doctor tilted his head. "Oh, dear, whatever shall I do?" Upon noticing Anthony's slight shakes and the slight bruise left on his usual injection site, he reached a conclusion. "Withdrawal symptoms," The doctor straightened his bowtie and smirked. "You want _HAPPINESS_? You got it!"  
Anthony watched the doctor and tilted his head.  
"Doc, how do you make people happy? I heard somethin' about it being magic." Upon closer inspection, the doctor had a name tag. Dr. Alastor laughed and shook his head, leaning slightly further into the boy's personal space.  
"Magic? Not magic! All of my tricks and treats are medical! Please allow your heart, your body - everything to be saturated!" He cheered, gesturing to the plethora of medical equipment he had around. Well, he was a doctor. He had medicines, he had equipment. This had to be real; the doctor was just really weird. "Is this a call for me?" He asked, spreading out his arms as if he were on a stage rather than in a hospital.  


A chorus of voices came from behind curtains with silhouettes of beds with patients laying in them rang out, the choir including the voice of the girl at the window.  
"Yes, my doctor!" The doctor's grin widened even more if possible.  
"A call for me?"  
The choir of patients got louder.  
"Yes, my doctor!"  
Alastor's breathing got heavy as he began feeling the excitement rushing through him.  
"I, a wonderful, rare, sorcerer, a _great genius_!" He exclaimed as he drew back the curtains on an empty operating area, leading Anthony to lay down in the hospital bed before going about the paperwork, having Anthony record his personal information, emergency contacts and so on while he went about preparing his materials. "Prepare for my entrance!" They were normal looking, of course. 

He was just a doctor. There was only a needle, some vaccine, different prescriptions of meds for him to decide from; regular medical stuff. So the doctor was just eccentric. While Anthony filled out all of the paperwork, Alastor continued to talk. As soon as Anthony put the finished paperwork onto a nearby table, Alastor smirked, shoving him onto the bed and pinning his arms tightly by his sides. Anthony's first instinct was to blush, but second was to panic.  
"Um, doc, what're ya doin'?" He asked. 

He didn't receive an answer, only leather straps being wrapped around him, securing him tightly to the bed - he struggled against his captor, but to no avail.  
"Hey, what the Hell!?" He yelled, only for the doctor to bring out another batch of medical tools, only this time, they weren't as normal. A bonesaw, a very abnormally large needle with some sort of neon yellow goo in it, and bottles of various clear liquids. Anthony was quickly realising that this was no real doctor.  
"Let's have some fun, Anthony." He said, going over the paperwork. "You work at the community theatre? You want to be a movie star one day?" He asked, leaning closer to Anthony upon not receiving an answer.  
"Y-Yes, I wanna be a movie star."  


Alastor cackled before grabbing the large needle and sticking it directly into Anthony's left arm, hearing him grunt.  
"It'll only hurt more if you squirm." Alastor informed happily, emptying the toxic looking contents into Anthony's arm. It didn't even take long to kick in, as Anthony laid there staring at the ceiling and hiccuping through giggles, his eyes widening and a large smile forming on his face.  
"Hey, Mr. Actor! It's your conscience - your thoughts. How does it hurt?" Alastor asked, receiving no answer. He went to the window, brushing his fingers through the girl patient's hair. "How are _you_ feeling, Lady Charlotte?" He asked, earning a frenzied laughed as she stared out the window with no purpose at all. Alastor gave a nod and a solemn smile as he drew the curtains on every bed in the room, revealing more people strapped to beds, some mutilated mildly, others sure to never be able to perform certain acts again. "I agree, reality is such pain. Hey, why don't some of your relieve yourselves of your position? The living one!" Alastor's head turned to Anthony, who was trying to fight his dosage, struggling against the bindings even though he wore the same wide smile as everyone else in the room. "You want _HAPPINESS_?" The tone of Alastor's voice immediately switched from happy to irritated as he went over to Anthony and cupped his cheeks before leaning down, looking like he was going to kiss Anthony's neck, instead sinking his - for some reason - sharp teeth into it, drawing blood. " _Allow me_." Venom dripped from his voice, relishing in the image of Anthony writhing in pain with a sunshine smile.  


Alastor's smile grew as he slowly pulled away, standing up and grabbing the small needle, sticking it into Anthony's neck and injecting the young man with God knows what.  
"Some people have the Midas Hand of misery, and to you kinds of people, I give medicine - To dumb you down. If somehow everyone still ends up unhappy, I wonder how all of you hypocrites will sleep." Alastor teased as Angel screamed and writhed.  
"These people have loved ones! You can't do this!" Anthony managed. Alastor rose a brow and tilted his head before checking the large needle he had first used on Anthony.  
"Love? These lost souls near love? Perhaps I need to give you even more chemicals, you tough cookie." He said, leaving the room and coming back in record time with another absurdly large syringe with the same ugly neon yellow ooze inside. "Please allow your heart, your body - everything to be saturated!" He stuck it into Anthony's other arm this time, hearing him yell out in pain before slowly calming down, that same smile widening.  


"Are you feeling the _JOY_?" Alastor boomed before the room replied to him.  
"Yes, my doctor!" Alastor hummed before repeating his question.  
"Are you feeling the _JOY_?" Alastor could feel his heart start to race.  
"Yes, my doctor!" Alastor's grin turned feral as he tore his white medical coat off, revealing an all red suit.  
"I, the miracle, prodigy, wonderful _great-great-GREAT_ genius will save you!"  
He declared.  


He went to each bed and smirked.  
"A doctor's rounds! Everyone ready?" He didn't even wait for a reply. He went to a girl with an eyepatch, because he'd removed her eyeball and replaced it, instead placing a glass ball with a red X inside it. "For you? Oh, it's a problem of intelligence! Too bad, can't heal that." He chuckled. " _Doctor, doctor, help me!_ So rowdy, all of you 'emergency' cases. If your euphoria isn't enough, why don't you just take someone else's?" He asked, crossing his arms. "Happy, happy! Next patient!" He exclaimed cheerfully.  


He went to sit in his chair in the centre of the room to look at his masterpieces, smiling widely.  
"Vous pensez que je vous souhaite la bienvenue? VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!" Alastor wheezed with laughter.  
"Are you calling me?" He asked, tilting his head.  
"YES, MY DOCTOR!"  
"A medi-call?"  
"YES, MY DOCTOR!"  
"So careless! Even tonight, it's _maximum ecstasy_!" Alastor shouted, the sound echoing through the empty corridor before he turned to his patients. "Well, seems like you need the help of a _GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GREAT GENIUS_!" Alastor's roar could've shaken the hospital as he all but screamed his own words of praise, throwing his arms out for recognition, before looking around to see that no one was praising him - because they had all passed out from pain they were in. He sighed and lowered his arms, going to sit in his chair.  


"I once had a dream that everyone became happy. How childish and transparent. It's all a great show of delusion on the world's stage. No one's happy. Everyone is unhappy. Within this doomed dystopia... This!" He exclaimed, getting up and going to get a large tank of red liquid that was much too thin to be blood. He went around filling the patients' drips with them before hearing each one awake with a pained scream, their smiles widening even more as a result of the medicine. "Everyone asks me where cloud nine is! If I knew, nonsense, I wouldn't tell you!" He laughed. "Come now. You, you, you... Let's pass over with this." He said, pointing to a row of patients, including the pretty haired girl from earlier. Grabbing the bonesaw and bringing over the trolley with the clear liquids, he made his way to the row of patients and smirked. He started at the left. "Your turn, trapped princess!" He then finished with dear little Charlotte. What did he do? The cuts in her arms and legs that had highly concentrated hydrochloric acid dripping from them would answer that question. Charlotte's screams tore from her throat, making it past her smile-bound teeth.  


"Oh! I should've said earlier..." He turned to the newest patient, Anthony, leaning over him and eyeing his burning wounds with a gaze that hungered for knowledge about his anatomy. "Hello? Yoohoo?" Alastor noted that Anthony was partly unresponsive. "If you want to become happy, then come to the number one name in the biz, the one who receives the most praise;" Alastor smirked. "That's Alastor. A _GREAT_ genius!" He cheered.  



End file.
